Asking the right question

I can say with absolute realness that today is the greatest day ever. What does having the greatest day ever mean? How do I become a manifestation of my deepest desire? These can sound like pretty heavy questions if I looked at them through the eyes and not who I am. They could cause an avalanche of negativity and lack responses to flowing through my consciousness and answer each of this significant yet relevant question with a bombardment of this and that. But I sit, stand and run around and shout that no matter what, today IS the greatest day ever.

I smile as I think of those who know and/or think they know the story that I am creating. I would say that most would shout, I really don’t see how she could believe what she is saying. Just LOOK at where she is and what she has, there is no way she could feel this way. And than there’s the few that get it.  They understand that in evolution there is destruction before the rebirth. Just as the oak tree seed is planted and the shell has to die and wither aways, so I had too. All of the stuff, the conditioning, the rhetoric, the untruths, the baggage and garbage had to be cleansed and a new, yet ancient and old way of perceiving living life was born. And in birth there is pain, pressure and release before life emerges, so I had too. I had to go within as that seed seeking nurturing, food, water and care in order to blossom.

There is time and space between inception and birth. How long the nurturing would take was solely decided by how I chose to make the journey. As all the great teachers have said throughout history, we are the creators of our own reality. And until the reality that I had surrounded myself became unbearable the seed lay dormant. I had to go beyond belief to knowing and abandon what I had ingested as who I was and step into who I AM. And while in the process reprogram the mind consciousness. It didn’t happen over night but it happened. And during the growing I needed to discover the right questions to ask and become still enough to hear. Growth required that I release fear and take the actions needed to change everything.

Since I was a very young child I ask, what is my purpose for being here? What is it that I am supposed to be doing? Who am I? I had the questions in the wrong order. I had to answer the 3rd question first. Which meant I had to know who I am, not by the standards of others but from within. I had to KNOW that I am greater than what I see in flesh and bones. That I came here for a reason, as we all have purpose, and that that purpose is greater than myself.

I’ve never been a selfish person and spent the majority of my life putting myself last because I was convinced that everyone else was more important than myself, while my insides were shouting you have something important that needs to be heard. Along my path many have appeared with this message to me; write, share and be bold you have a story to be told. I would graciously smile, say who me, diminished myself than file the idea away. My conditioned mind ran amuck with all the reasons no one wanted to hear or see me and guess what, they didn’t. It wasn’t about me at all it was about the message from within but I couldn’t receive it.

This was the reality that I was creating. That I was last, I had no creditable thing to give and that I had nothing anyone wanted to hear. Nothing materialistic or other wise to share but who I am. But who I am is enough because I am perfectly created by God/Source Energy/the Universe. This was what I needed to know, the question I had to answer before anything could begin to grow or manifest around my purpose.

So image finally waking up to this knowledge. Image growing in the understanding that through me the universe is becoming conscious and that I am here not to be a victim of circumstances but be the emanation of Source/God. Wow that was a lot to try to digest as my whole life was based on the primus that there was a gap between Source and myself. That God/Creator was somewhere out there. God wasn’t a part of me and not obtainable without suffering, lack and feeling completely unworthy. That money was the source of evil, that suffering was good and that I need to never honor myself as that would be considered arrogant or hearty. Wow!!

Than the door opened and a light walked into my life with a message that there is more to who you are. M shared a message that I had worth. This began some years ago and now I can say that through all the ebbs and flows, ups and downs that everyday is the greatest day ever. Everyday is an opportunity for I Am to grow, see the beauty and abundance all around me, be a giver, share love, be the evidence of abundance and walk in joy. As one of the great teachers of this time, Michael Beckwith said, joy is the living evidence of God/Spirit. That joy is the active quality of my beingness and awareness, REGARDLESS!

Joy is a way of living which creates fulfillment of life...

Until next time…

Peacefully and gracefully unfolding,

Nkiru

Time for change!

I started writing my blog to share my story of change and to hopefully help others. I call it, Finding my way Home. Today I want to share another portion of my journey to happiness and wholeness.

Recently I started listening to the 21 day meditation created by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. M, told me about this meditation a few years ago but now is the time. Things happen in our lives when we’re ready, open and available to receive them. It’s like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Until the horse realizes that the water is the key to keeping it alive and makes an effort to drink the water, it, the water, serves no purpose for the horse. Now I’m ready to drink.

One of the things that happened for me as I listened to the meditation was how much respect I’ve gained for Oprah, the person. I don’t know her personally but I’ve been watching her from the sidelines for years. She’s done a great work and given so much to so many but I’ve always wondered who Oprah Winfrey truly was. The woman without the celebrity, the spiritual being, the person. Today as I sit here in Starbucks writing my blog my humble opinion would be, she is a woman much like myself on her journey. Seeking wholeness and freedom as she shares the things she has and is learning with the world.

The thing that brought this home for me and give me a new respect for the person, Oprah was when I heard her prayer on day 15 of the 21 day meditation. It was such a wow moment because her prayer paralleled mine. Hearing her prayer resonated through me as if it was me listening to myself read my deepest thoughts. My prayer has been the motivating factor that keeps me moving, never to stop seeking and knowing that my life is greater than myself. That my purpose here is more about making life better for others and in turn I’d create the greatest life for myself. I’ve held on to this prayer from as far back as I can remember. Now at 50 I feel that I’m only beginning to understand it.

I would say that one of the most important thing I’ve learned was I needed to heal myself. I had to take the steps to becoming happy and whole first. This isn’t a work that ever stops, working on myself. Every day I’ve got to put loving and focused attention there first. So, for the past few years this is what I’ve done. Now, I’m stronger, healthier, happier and more spiritually ground than I’ve ever been. It took me stripping away everything, down to nothing, completely naked of all the stuff and heading 3000 miles across country to step into wholeness. Today I have very little, honestly only what we have in our car but I’m writing and free. Spirit opened up in me and P. Opened up for me and P a love, joy and respect we didn’t have before. P is the greatest gift and teacher any mom could have. Thank you.

My Prayer

Use me God, show me how to apply all my gifts and talents to uplifting others. Use who I Am and everything that desire to become to light the way for someone so they can carry that light to others. I know that this life has purpose and meaning and that through me flows something great, greater than myself, greater than I can image, thank you for using me.

Until next time…

Peacefully and gracefully unfolding,

Nkiru

Notice the Miracles

Miracles happen every day, stop and take notice.

There are some many day that I could just shout out loud, take off running down the street and swing my arms around like a person having some kind of fit. As a matter of fact right now I feel like this most day.

Have you ever had a moment when a simple yet honest thought/prayer manifested so fast that you had to step back and ask what just happened? Well the past year of my life has been full of moments like this.

I’m not saying that this is the first time in my life that a miracles has happened nor that over these brief 50 years of my life that God/Source hasn’t been an essential part of who I Am. What I’m attempting to share is; over these past 12 months I’ve been deliberate in my asking and have a greater understanding of who I Am. It suddenly occurred to me as I’m writing that I’m not sure if deliberate is the right word either because I know any time I Am seeking an answer I’m delibierate in my request.

I guess what I’m sharing is this, over the past year I’ve been deliberate in seeking true happiness and to stay in tune with my inner spirit, my connection to God/Source/Spirit, that in my asking a knowing is also occurring. I’m not saying that I know when or how the answer will manifest but I know it has already happened.

Now, if I were in your shoes right now I’d be thinking, if you’re in turn to this extent then you have all the answer to getting everything you ever desired and what is that answer? I would simply answer, yes. The how is to stay in happiness no matter what. Discover the vortex or get in turn with the happiness and love that is. As one of the great teacher’s Abraham-Hicks always says, we don’t want everything all at once. We don’t want every delicious meal, every dollar or everything that we every desired to manifest at one time. What would you do with it all? I couldn’t eat every delicious meal, place every dollar, drive every car or do everything in this moment. Besides the journey to happiness isn’t really about the destination, as I’ve said in previous blogs, its about learning to living in appreciation, thanks and gratitude right now; in this very moment. Because once we arrive at our destination, as the delightful humans that we are, we always want more. It’s been proven that our next thoughts would sound like this: I want more, how do I make this better, what’s next or if I could only….

So, on my journey I am learning that staying in gratitude on the journey is the key. I keep my vision alive by staying focused on the good happening right now. Don’t get me wrong, there is always a destination that I’m moving towards and yes there is the stuff, the comforts and pleasures desired; but this isn’t what holds my happiness. My joy and happiness isn’t in the stuff, the homes, cars and money etc… my happiness is a statement of how I chose to live every day. It is how I greet each day, how I chose to move through the contrast, the ebbs and flows and the ups and downs of life. It is the peace that surpasses all understanding and what keeps me grouded in God/Source/Spirit that is, I am that, I Am.

For me on my journey this is the key to noticing the miracles and being in place to receiving them. I realize that receiving a hug, the smell of flowers, a smile, the perfect parking space or a phone call (text) from that person; the one that always seems to know… these things have no less value than if I’d received the keys to my dream home, met THE ONE, hit the lottery or had all the money I desire suddenly manifest in my hands. The value isn’t measured by my eyes but by the my heart.

So today I say, notice all the miracles that are happening around, be deliberate in chosing how to live this life and always be in gratitude. This is the message I believe every great teacher, prophet, spiritual leader has been sharing with us. For love isn’t a feeling but who we are.

Until next time…

Peacefully and gracefully unfolding,

Nkiru

Inspired and Unstoppable

Today is the end this calendar year as designated but in the great universe time has never ended. There is only beginning and moving forward. There is no way to truly know how long our beautiful planet has been here, always evolving and changing just as I am. Today our calendar year marks the end of 2014.

So, I again pause to reflect and rejoice, give praise and thanks for this year.

I wish I could share all the wonderful things that have transpired for me and P over this past year but it would be a book instead of a brief blog. So I will share this, never give in and never give up. For we’re each born as inspired and unstoppable beings. We only have to realize who we truly are, seek that space within that is the reflection of all and there, there is where we see I Am.

The wonderful thing about these 50 years of life is its just begun. And P, well, she has only begun to scratch the surface of who she is but Wow!

Earlier this year things seemed to be completely unreveal all around me. Things with me and P, I finally released any possibility of mending an old relationship and all the financial crisis were baring down on me. Than one day I stopped spinning against myself, took a breath and said it’s time. I’m ready and I need a great shift to happen in my life. What happened was my path begin to unfold. It was time, time for us to move on and keep moving until we reached our destination.

On my journey there’s one thing that I knew. When I ask and truly say Yes things will begin to shift around, in and under me. I couldn’t fear. I needed to stay focused. So, I constantly said to myself, no time for fear. For I knew if I stopped for a second fear could easily gripp me so tight around by throat I’d stopped breathing. This was the point where I had to keep it moving. Little did I know what that meant.

It was time to release everything, everything from the life that was holding me still. Everything that wasn’t in alignment with who I was. Let it go, let it all go. Let everything go that I had been efforting to make work. Let go of the illusion of my life, family and relationships. It was time to step out of the delusion that this was my life and step into who I truly was. Wow and Yes was all I could say. It is my time and the time is now. So, I let go, got rid of all the stuff and we left with what we could fit in our car. Me, P and Jackie Hopper, the cat.

(Along the journey my beautiful daughter decided it was time for a name correction.  She said to me, this name doesn’t have any connection for me besides you. She felt to identity herself with a name and others who seemed to not except, appreciate or love her wasn’t right for her. She needed her own identity. So, I said go for it.  So now P was born and if you could only see the beautiful butterfly that has emerged. Wow, I couldn’t be more proud of how magnificently she is transforming. Blossoming into the person from within herself.)

We weren’t running away from anything but it was our time to go forth and create the life that was and had been our deepest desire. We were off together, a team, headed across the country. Everyday giving thanks for everyone and everything that had happened. All the people that we’d shared our life with. All those that loved and supported us and especially those that didn’t. Every night and every morning we pause to say thank you and scream with joy. We are inspired and unstoppable. We’re still keeping it moving, forwards we go. Even through the contrast, the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs we say thank you. Never giving into fear, keeping the vision alive and right in front of us. Hello 2015, good bye 2014 and thank you. Thank you for all the good that is happening in my life.

Until next time…

Peacefully unfolding,

Nkiru

Gratitude

Today makes one week before the end of this year 2014 and the beginning of a new. As I look back and reflect on how my life has been on unfolding I pause to offer thanks and gratitude.

Gratitude for all the wonder, beauty, love, joy, peace and happiness that has brought me to this day.

Gratitude for life and the source of life that lives within me.

Gratitude for all those that have supported, encouraged and been a part of my journey.

Gratitude for knowing who I Am and what I Am.

Gratitude for health, strength and the life that flows within this mortal body.

Gratitude for all those that have crossed my path as teachers, healers and who have helped me on my path to awakening that which was asleep.

Gratitude for loving the woman that I Am and who I Am becoming.

Gratitude for those who chosen not to be a part of my life for they are still a part of that which I Am.

For gratitude is not just my attitude but is the way I have chosen to live my life. Everyday that I’ve had is a great gift and I cherish them even when I’m dealing with the contrast of life, the ebbs and flows that come with living.

I’ve found on my journey that learning to be happy on the journey, even during the periods of contrast, is the key to reaching my deepest desire. This is the key that opens the heart and clears the contrast from my path. Gratitude, love and thanks is how I know that I Am and know my spiritual essence. It is my knowing, experiencing and being in connection with the source of life. That which is the beginning and never ending.

Today I sit in such gratitude for all that I Am, for this incredible journey and for ALL those that have touched my life. Thank you.

To all the phenomenal women in my life, you know who you are, much love. Some of you have only resently stepped on into my path, others have been with me for some time but each of you are great teachers. To mom, keep reaching for your deepest desire, it’s right where you are. To each of you I desire that you always see and feel all the love that I have for you.

Until next time I say, see all the good in your life, it exists around you and pause each day to give gratitude and thanks for happiness and love is that which we are.

PEACEFULLY,

Nkiru

part 3, The Power of Affirmations

Today I want to talk about the power affirmations had in my life. So lets define the word first, Affirmation: a declaration that something is true, the practice of positive think and self empowerment; fostering a belief, a positive mental attitude; a carefully formatted sentence or statement that should be repeated to one’s self and written down. Wow, it seems that I gave away all the secrets in the definition. Truly there was more to it than just this.

Honestly the word affirmation and all the concept around affirmations were an alien concept to me. I’d never known anyone who practiced this principle or who would have explained what it meant, until I met M. M began by give me some very simple yet important statements. The very first was, “I release myself from anger and I let the past go.” Little did I know how much emotional garbage this simple set of words (affirmation) would bring up to the surface. Every emotion and feeling needed to be dealt with as quickly and lovingly as possible and disposed of, never to hinder me again. Well it did happen so quickly, the purge of the garbage, but eventually I was released. These few words had the power to remove the chains of my past. They were, every affirmation, changing my language and reinforcing a new way of projecting who I am and how I desired to see myself.

The work was transforming myself from the inside outward. The spirit had to be renewed along with the body. (I’ll talk about the work on the physical body in another blog.) M inspired me to do the work I needed to do, for myself. I couldn’t do it to please anyone nor for others to finally love, except and understand who I was. It had to be as personal as breathing was to me. And as M began to share her story, how she came to learn and practice these principles, than I understood. I understood how she seemed to see through to my soul. I understood that these weren’t just principles but a way of life. She wasn’t just teaching me some words to recite and memorize, l was rewriting my very essence. I was transforming my conscious and subconscious mind.

What I discovered on my journey was this: although no two stories are exactly the same there can be enough similar aspects in the individual stories that help a person to relate in a more understanding and compassionate way. M guided me through these principles with the grace and compassion of the spirit within her.  Not only because she loved me but because she knew first hand that learning and practicing these principles helped her become who she was.

Learning the principle of affirmation was the piece that bonded all the other principles I was learning together. The first changing my language and the second meditation: Learning to quiet my mind and go within. So, practicing positive affirmations brought everything together in a harmonious approach to freeing myself.

I would like to share a couple of affirmations that I learned as far back as the early 80’s.

Affirmation: “I know that God is my unlimited Source and I open myself to my good, remembering that what I can receive depends upon what I can believe.  Thank you, God, for the wonderful gifts of abundance in my life.”

” Love is free from condemnation, even as It is free from fear.”

“I release myself from anger and I let go the past.”

Lastly, I’m sure having a bit of my back story may help my readers understand what happened in my life and at some point I may add a blog that gives a more detailed account of my history. But for now I’m feeling that the how’s and why’s aren’t that important and would simply muddy the waters of my “Finding my way home”. Besides, for me, giving credit to the negative and unloving behavior of others isn’t productive and simply doesn’t promote positive healthy living. The fact is, as weird as it may sound, I thank each one of them for showing me exactly who I didn’t want to be. They each gave me something that make me so excited that I got to experience my life so that I could become the person I was meant to be. 

part 2, Stillness and Peace

I am sitting in Starbucks getting a charge and having some quiet time as I continue to write my story. I know your probably thinking, Starbucks and quiet time, what an absolutely absurd combination but being a frequenter of Starbucks I’ve realized that every Starbucks has its own personality, atmosphere and community. This is the largest I’ve seen. Its has a very intellectual and laid back personality. Now, I’m still in Starbucks, so there’s always several daily gatherings and business meeting happening but the majority of the frequenters seem to be readers, students and the occasional writer. There’s also a large segment of frequenters who are over the age of knowing. The ones with a little to a lot of gray in the hair, if you know what I mean. So, for me, this is the perfect place to sit, charge my phone and write.

Before I continue with my story, I want to pause and say thank you to M. You helped me start the path to awakening myself and for that I am eternally thankful and grateful. Not only for what you’ve done for me but for bravely and diligently doing the work first for yourself. A work that prepared you to help me rediscover who I am.  Thank you, your an amazing person and I say I am blessed to have you in my life.

Now, M seemed to have a way of always knowing the perfect time. I now know why. It was her connection to her spirit. M seemed to since in me when it was time to move ahead. Keep it moving as she often repeated and still does to this day. But this next step, meditation or quiet time, was as foreign to me as seeing a lion laying down with a sheep.

Quiet time to a Type A personality, on steroids, is much like trying to hold running water in your hands. It’s never going to work. To many place for stuff to fall through. I admit it was terrifying, difficult and scary at first. The difficulty and scariness was facing all the crap that had accumulated in my mind and consciousness. I believe this is way I developed such an over the top Type A personality. To avoid all the garbage that was festering within me. I had no desire to confront the painful memories or relationships. So I kept busy, always creating something to keep me occupied. Quiet time or meditation was about to put a stop to that. I wasn’t going to be able to run from myself anymore.

Meditation: sitting in quiet focused stillness, breathing while bringing the mind into stillness. Sounds pretty easy, sitting in focused stillness, it wasn’t. In the beginning, as I was working to acquire the skill, I could only sit for a few minutes. It seemed like hours but in fact it would only be about 3 or 4 minutes before my mind was bombarded by so much chatter that I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to stop. Thankfully, M somehow knew exactly how much time to play the cassette. She never asked more of me than I could handle, but the seed was planted.

Everyday M and I met and everyday after we had completed our activites, which were usually filled with fun and laughter, M would find that perfect moment, pop in a cassette, light a few candles and we would set on the floor for quiet time. To be honest I didn’t like it at first. I didn’t like feeling all the stuff that rose up and I definitely didn’t like feeling out of control. There’s the rub. Here was the core of my problem. I didn’t like the feeling that I was losing control. I soon realized the illusion, I was not in control. The truth was, my life was vastly out of control. I had constructed a false since of control in an attempt to never face myself. Why, because I had allowed others to convince me that I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to be different and that there was something wrong with who I was.

This was the garbage that was fermenting within me. So, with a great deal of efforting, I attempted to create myself around the expectations of others. Who and what they thought I should be. The more I pretended, the worst I felt. The worst I felt the more I efforted to be different. The more I efforted to be different the more I had to pretend and the worst things got. Through all the efforting I could only maintain the illusion for a brief period of time, than I would show up. The I that wasn’t good enough. The I that loved life and having fun. The I that was loving, kind and
non-judgmental, who only wanted to be happy be who I was. The I that loved making everyone smile. All of that sounds great, so who would want to change me. Here is the problem, I was non-conventional and non-traditional in every way. I didn’t want to fit in society as I saw it. I tried being like everyone else but I had my own way of looking at things. I couldn’t fit into the traditional norms and be myself. I knew there had to be more. More to life than just fitting in.

Overtime and with lots of deliberate focused practice, meditation helped me to feel a calmness and acceptance of my true self. The turbulence was beginning to subsided and healing had began. Those few minutes in the beginning grow to hours. I grow to love the stillness and quietness of meditation. I began to wash way all the expectations that had caused me so much pain and discomfort inside. I was becoming my authentic self. There are still times when I wobble a bit and allow outside noise to penetrate my calmness. But I now understand that my mind isn’t a hotel. I was getting my power back and I didn’t have to allow anything to take up residency that wasn’t in alignment with who I am.

I’ve been on this journey for over 30 years and meditation is still a work in progress. I don’t think I’ll ever master it but I’ll never stop working at it. At this point I can say, with confidence,  I’m not who I thought I needed to be anymore, I am that, I am and in complete happiness with I AM.

to be continued…

Finding home, pt. 1

When is speak of home it’s not that place where we house all our stuff but that place within that I call, I Am. For me when I  discovered home I found myself and all the fullness that I Am. Finding my way home was the first stop on my journey to becoming free and unconditionally me.

After many years of seeking answers to my question, what am I missing. I realized that that which I had been seeking could not be found outside of myself. Not in a building, another person nor in anything that could be bought. It was right with me and had been all the time. Now, I didn’t wake up one day and have an Awe Ha moment and everything miraculously changed in my life . I discovered the answer because I was ready and the Universe sent some incredible teachers to me. The first, I will call her M, began helping me open the doors of truth for myself, 30 years ago. Honestly she (M) helped me to help myself save myself. Thus, I started my journey home. This beautiful spirit M made evident for me that if I truthfully ask and desired an answer the answer would show up. The only assignment for me was to be present and available.

When I met M she had just graduated from the University of Wisconsin Masters Degree program, which literally seems like it was only yesterday. Now looking back and understand that my meeting M was no accident. That our meeting had been orchestrated by powers greater than myself. For, M had scheduled an appointment with my mother but the day before the appointment mom realized she couldn’t make it and asked M if I could take her place. So, my awakening began the very next day.

I met M at her studio apartment on Langdon St. right off campus in downtown Madison, WI and from our first meeting M has been an intrical part of my life. If I were asked to describe M in a few words I would undoubtedly characterize her, person and spirit, as unconditional love embodied in the form of a phenomenal woman. For this is who she’s always been to me.

From our initial meeting and up until this very day, M teaches me. In the beginning she needed me to understand my importance and worthiness. M taught by demonstration.  Her loving, caring words and her actions help me began understanding how important and worthy I was. She showed me how much I mattered despite the actions or inaction of others. In M’s gentle yet firm and loving way she taught me how powerful words were. She began teaching me how powerful my words were.

All words are powerful living energy. Ever word we speak resonates throughout space and time with only one purpose. Their sole task is to manifest themselves exactly as they are spoken. Once I began to perceive and identify the amount of negative words and thoughts I engaged in everyday, the real work began. I needed to unravel all the negative, unattractive and damaging vocabulary that I had acquired. Not only the words but the thoughts, actions and beliefs that had been embedded deep in my consciousness.  Shifting through the depository and weeding out the immense amount of destructive language that filled my psyche has taken a great deal of time. As a matter of fact, 30 years later I am still working at it. I am Continually refining and adjusting myself, always reaching to be my most authentic self.

For it is written,  So a man (or woman) thinks or speaks, so they shall be. I was learning a new language. I was learning to choose my words and monitor my thought carefully. Initially it was awkward and took deliberate attention but with M’s loving encouragement over time I started getting better it. Now, my awareness of the details are not so deliberate but I am always vigilant in my observation of my thoughts and language.

Quote from Nkiru: It isn’t important to become a master of a thing, what is important is to never stop improving.

To be continued….